Dear CAN Community,
My name is Jenn, and I have two sons on the autism spectrum. My husband, Dave, is also Autistic.
When I became pregnant with Lewis, our first-born, we were very excited. It was a really easy delivery, and everything seemed to be going well.
As things progressed, Lew started to show signs of speech delays and other challenges. It took almost a year on the wait list to get the autism assessment, then at three and a half years old, Lewis got the diagnosis.
I remember that day so clearly. Dave and I sat by the water, and I just started crying because I didn’t know what life would look like. We really didn’t know much about autism at the time. As a first-time mom, you have an expectation that your child is going to hit all these milestones, and they’re going to be on teams, and have a certain kind of life. Suddenly, all of that changed. It felt like we were jumping into the unknown.
When we first shared Lewis’s diagnosis with friends and family, I felt so nervous and protective.
I didn’t want anyone to see him differently or treat him any less than before. But I did want people to recognize the challenges he faced and show a little more patience and openness. We are very lucky to have such a supportive family who immediately went to bat for Lewis.
When we became pregnant with Owen, we were very excited again. We found out that it was going to be another boy, but autism didn’t really cross my mind.
Owen came seven weeks early and weighed just four pounds. Even in the NICU, he was just the happiest baby I’d ever seen, and he was developing really well. But slowly, there started to be signs. By the time he was 18 months old, we kind of knew where things were headed again.
We got on another wait list and eventually had Owen assessed. Going through the assessment for the second time helped Dave confirm what he had already been thinking. This time around, it wasn’t just my son being diagnosed, but my husband as well.
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Knowing Dave’s on the spectrum has definitely strengthened our relationship. I have a better understanding of him now, and why certain things can be overwhelming for him. I think it’s made us better parents, too. He now recognizes things he struggled with as a child and truly understands what our boys are going through.
Living with three people on the autism spectrum can make for some pretty interesting days. Lewis and Dave are quite similar in the way they present in their autism. Their personalities are also quite similar. Owen’s needs are much higher and need to be met around the clock.
Sometimes it can feel overwhelming, because all three of them have different needs, often all at once. I’m constantly trying to balance things so everyone’s happy, enjoying what they like, and not being pushed to do things they don’t like. At the same time, we’re trying to be a family, which sometimes means splitting up, Dave with one child, me with the other. Or me taking both to something that might be too much for Dave. Our family ends up looking a little different from most and that’s ok.
What isn’t ok is how we’re often treated in public. Owen screeches when he’s happy, and for a long time, it made me anxious to leave the house because of people’s reactions. When we’re out with Lewis, he’s often masking or hiding his autism. He can be a bit quirky, but he doesn’t stand out, so most people can handle it. It doesn’t feel too uncomfortable for them.
But I get really upset and overwhelmed by the way people react to Owen. He’s so loving and carefree, like this gentle giant. But people look at him in a really hurtful way, like something’s wrong with him. The looks still sting. They feel like a punch in the gut.
Because of this lack of acceptance, we never really felt like our family belonged. Thankfully, that all changed, when we found CAN.
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Owen’s first experience with CAN was their multisport program, and with his high needs, I was very nervous. It was a new place, and he clearly wasn’t happy about it, so we had to kind of coerce him into the gym. I felt scared even leaving the area, let alone the building.
I started to walk down the hallway, and I could already hear his happy sounds. I could hear him squealing and screeching and giggling, and I immediately felt a wave of relief. In this building, you can go upstairs and watch through a window. So I did. And he was having the greatest time.
His support worker was incredible. He spent the entire time engaging with Owen in ways that Owen genuinely enjoyed. Even though Owen wasn’t doing exactly what the other kids were, he was so happy. I’d never seen an adult outside of our family take the time to truly interact with him, to play with him, get to know him, and meet him where he is. It really felt like this person wanted to connect with Owen.
It was amazing to witness a child who doesn’t often have these kinds of opportunities being included. Seeing Owen respond and connect in return meant the world to me.
I finally felt like I could take a breath. I finally found people who really understood his needs. They talked to him, got to know him, and treated him like part of the group. Even though he didn’t respond verbally, they still made sure that he felt like he belonged and could do the same things other kids do. Just in a different way.
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I don’t feel scared at drop-off anymore. In so many other situations, if Owen were struggling, we’d get a call asking us to pick him up right away. But CAN doesn’t send him home. They meet him where he’s at and help him work through it.
I honestly wouldn’t trust Owen in any other setting, and I don’t know that he would even be welcomed anywhere else. CAN is the one place that truly sees him, includes him, and gives him the chance to be part of a community. They’ve been just as wonderful with Lew. He looks forward to every activity with CAN and feels such pride in being part of something where he belongs.
As a mom, I’m just so grateful to everyone who supports CAN. Thank you for giving families like ours a place where our kids are understood, supported, and celebrated for exactly who they are.
Sincerely,
Jenn, a CAN mom
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